Role of the people

Role of the people
Men and Women/ Husband and wife

Everywhere in the World, the place of women and men in the society keeps changing, becoming sometimes contradictory. In Russia, men usually take everything a woman has got in her hands if they walk together.

A first contradiction is visible when you see an old woman with many bags in the street and either nobody will offer her help, or she’ll refuse it, answering: “Thanks, but I can make it.” The old generation was educated that way – work hard, do everything yourself, even if you are a woman, no matter how old you are.

It reminds me of my first month in Russia; I was walking home with a friend, when we saw an old woman carrying a 5 liter-bottle of water in each hand. I told my friend: “We should ask her if she needs help, shouldn’t we?” My friend was surprised and said: “but why? I don’t feel comfortable asking. What if she doesn’t want any?” Well, as I thought nobody would die asking or getting a “no” as an answer, I convinced her to offer the old lady some help (my Russian was too poor). The woman looked at us with big round eyes, thanked us 100 times, saying: “so nice young women”. She refused though. A couple 
meters further, we still could hear her voice: “Be God with you!”

A second paradox – while some women don’t carry anything, even handbags, others work hard painting houses or working on their refurbishment; they are mostly immigrants, but still women.

As we already saw, a well-educated man always opens the door of the car to women and helps them put their coat on. He should also pay for everything when going out. (Sorry feminists, but that’s the way it works here). He also should work harder and earn more money than a woman in order to entirely support his family. When a man earns less, it is unfortunately not well accepted; it happened for acquaintances of mine: even if perfect for each other, they could never be together.

There are obviously other categories of men – the one who lets their women work and just enjoys life, the ones who take advantage of rich women (it also exists! There is even a word for them in Russian: “Alfonse”).

And if women have many responsibilities and activities (the kids’ education, housework), men also have their manly daily tasks, apart from working and sponsoring the family.

In the Russian culture, a man takes all final decisions that everybody should follow. If he decides a woman shouldn’t to go out with her friends – she won’t. She, therefore, usually has to wait for the consent of her husband to do something.

Finally, the image of battered women in Russia is unfortunately not a myth; but it mostly happens when there is a problem of alcoholism or among low-educated people (mostly in villages). It’s a well-known matter giving purpose of a story spread out around the country: “a Russian woman is strongly beaten by her husband. The neighbors are worried about the cries and call the police. As policemen come, ready to arrest the husband, the wife jumps on them and starts beating them, yelling: “Leave my husband alone, don’t arrest him!” And the police go back to the office, powerless.

It can be a stereotypical and weird story, but unfortunately, very close to reality. A Russian woman finds loneliness unbearable: she’d rather handle everything and stand even the worst - even if her health and life are threatened, than staying by herself. So the almost international proverb “better alone than in a bad company” is not for Russia.

Role of the parents and the grandparents

The education of the children is usually a woman’s duty. And because of the historical background of the country - many men died after wars and revolutions, the majority of men were raised only by women. Young mothers usually worked hard (at a factory, for example) and boys were raised by their grandmother, while living together.

As a consequence, the respective mothers’ and grandmothers’ responsibilities were mixed up, exchanged. Nowadays, while conservative grandmothers find their role and obligation to raise their grandchildren and teach the parents how to do it, modern ones - usually living apart, prefer living for themselves. This behavior is closer to our culture, where, for a child, being with a grandmother is to have pleasure, relax, listen to tales, play and just get love and affection needed by a child from adults.

This rarely happens here. The grandmother has usually more authority and influence on the child’s education than the mother; as years go by, while the mother found at first more convenient not to take a nanny but the grandmother, regrets soon her choice.

I can remember my ex-boyfriend telling me about his grandmother, who raised him: “When I was a kid, I rarely saw my mother at home as she was working from early in the morning until late at night; I was either by myself or with my grandmother. And I kept asking: “Mum, who should I love more, you or Grandma?” It shows you already how confused a child can be in this kind of situation. And this phenomenon is very common.

About the disturbances and impact implicated on the masculine psychology, I guess it can explain the reluctance of most Russian men to take any kind of responsibility in life (marriage, family, kids), initiative (at work, in the couple) or simply to grow up as they were raised as Kings when they were living with their family.

As a consequence, this lack of initiative and responsibility in life makes women suffer from waiting for a man who’d never get married; professionally, directors are tired of telling the staff what and how to do things, still having to control them afterwards.

Relationship parents/children

*1st year of life

Once again, it is my view, experience and interpretation of things that can be totally different from someone else’s – no generalization!

Whereas a French mother gets a maternity leave for a few months (upto 6, according to the number of kids she already has got), a Russian woman can take 3 years. The first year is symbolically sponsored by the government and her job. Why “symbolically”? Because the money given isn’t even usually enough to buy diapers.

Traditionally, - and it still exists in villages and in some provincial cities, babies from delivery to 3-6 months are mummified in their cradle: the child is strained not to move. It is not sadism, but is reported to be very healthy!

This is differently justified:

• the baby’s skeleton takes a right posture that way and won’t have any physical deformation (legs, hips)
• it helps the parents staying serene and not worrying while working (in the field, farm)
• it is meant to be a way to calm down the kid, preventing him from useless fear (of his hands) or hurt himself (nails)
• it fights against hyper activeness

This phenomenon is visible in other countries (Asia, Africa, South America), where babies are tidily put on their mother’s back – not to feel alone, staying peaceful listening to the mother’s heart and also to let the mother work. The last but not least.

By tradition (already a sign of superstition, which we’ll see later), a child cannot be shown to people until the 40th day after delivery; only then a party is given in its honor and the baby can start his social life. During the 40-days period, the baby rarely leaves the mother’s arms. After the baby starts walking, (they usually walk early here: at 9-10 months), it becomes more autonomous; the distance between the mother and the child is more evident when it starts talking.

For my part, I didn’t see the same attention and affection after the 1st year of the kid. In France, it is not rare to see a kid running to the parents just to get a kiss, a big hug, or any sign of love. Here, they hardly ever give one.

Why?

• according to many Russians, it is not so conventional to frequently touch a child when he’s getting bigger
• a sign of affection, kindness or love can sometimes be seen as a sign of weakness or not useful as Russians are more practical people
• others judge that “children don’t need so much attention or affection as babies”

The parents reproduce what they’ve experienced in their childhood: as their own parents didn’t experience love (hard life, wars, revolutions), they cannot give it to their children. Nonetheless, they expect their kids to give it to them - as they miss it, unfortunately, it is impossible: people can only transmit things to the next generations.

Like in France, it is very difficult to find a kindergarten for the kid, especially if you use no corruptive way and if you aren’t rich. So a woman usually stays at home for 3 years, sometimes until the child is going to school (6-7 years old) - if the husband can afford a non-working mother. The first year, the child is very close to the parents and I often heard that it sleeps with them at least until 6 months.

* Breast-feeding

Most of my friends in Perm could not eat much while being a nursing-mother: they were afraid that the baby would have stomachaches and that their own silhouette would not go back as normal. On the contrary, breast-feeding is usually the best time for a French mother to enjoy food, as she usually paid attention on her diet the whole pregnancy; now at least, she can eat anything, rarely gaining weight. Of course, things are prohibited (spices), but this “black list” isn’t big. After giving birth, one of my Russian friends told me she wasn’t allowed to eat anything except green fruits and vegetables and Kasha (starchy food) and only some of them!

That would be Hell for me. But it obviously depends on the doctor, on the hospital, and of course on the concessions you’re ready to make for the life and health of your baby.

While French women leave breast-feeding for industrial milk, Russian women do their best to feed their baby as long as possible. They spend more time at home than us and believe it to be the best for the immunity of the kid. I heard an interesting speculation though: the colostrum is famous to give the future immunity of the baby; however, in Russia, until a generation ago, babies were taken from the mother right after the delivery, and were given back just some time later. Therefore, these babies didn’t get the colostrum, and logically cannot transmit it either; that is the reason why some scientists are working out on a colostrum substitute that could be given to the new generation.

*Drinking

Even if water is the best medicine on Earth and should be drunk a lot during the day apart from meals – Russians are not used to it at all. They usually drink very sweet strong black tea, always accompanied with sweet (biscuits, jam, chocolate, candies) and the children are used to this from an early age.

* Rhythm of life

Russian parents don’t apply such a strict schedule to their kids as we do, whereas the majority of the French ones respect the biological clock of the child (specific times for eating, sleeping). The children eat here whenever they feel hungry and sleep when they are tired.

* Feelings and emotions

When the kids are bigger, the Russians have a famous method to raise them up: “the whip and Pryianiki” (sort of gingerbread); either be extremely hard with the children, or very sweet. And this is not just a saying, but reality. No happy medium. The only nuance is they don’t use a whip anymore, but a belt.

Russians are not demonstrative concerning their feelings and emotions, especially men; it can partly explain why so many men here die from heart attacks – emotions are blocked. They aren’t cold from outside and inside, but it is not so accepted by the society to show one’s affection to each other in front of others. Therefore, except for friends, teenagers or a new couple holding hands and kissing on the street, people rarely demonstrate a sign of attention for each other. And as we saw before, I’m pretty sure that most Russians cannot express Love to others, as they cannot feel it, as they haven’t received it from the past generations. I can even remember: I was always asking my ex-boyfriend for a hug, as it was rarely offered by him. As most men in Russia, he was raised only by women, who were mostly acting and working as men; so hugs and kisses didn’t have much place in the child’s life. Once, I told him: “when I hug you, I cannot feel any warmth from you, it is as if you just answer automatically to my hug, reproducing it. Did anybody take you in their arms as a kid?” He looked at me in the eyes, and sadly answered: “No, never, and I definitely don’t feel anything now.”

And it is just an example. Many men react like that. It is not their fault, but it’ll take a long time until things change deeply in the soul and the heart of Russian people.

After we broke up, I went to Spain for the summer and met there a very nice Spanish artist. After this relationship, I could tell a huge difference between couples in cold countries and in warm ones and it is definitely not a myth: it is now evident to me that the sun works on the emotional system and on their psychological one.

* Curiosity

I was raised in a cautious family, secretive on personal matters, and with many principles. I am used to talk openly with my friends, though, sharing lives with each other. In French, we talk about “unhealthy curiosity”, when people ask you questions because they want to know (gossip); on the other hand, “curiosity is a sign of intelligence” for us, when people have the wish of discovering new things. In France, if using diplomacy, politeness and respect, people can ask others any question, not expecting an answer in return all the time: the choice is given to the auditor. For us, asking questions (and remembering answers!) is a sign of interest to the person. In Russia, I saw the contrary: people usually talk by themselves or don’t talk at all. People won’t ask questions (except if you are a foreigner, of course). They wait for people to take the initiative – another kind of respect.

Once, I was asking a friend how his brother was doing, who had just become a father for the first time. “I guess everything is fine,” he said. He didn’t even know the baby’s name, and they were calling each other regularly.

Russians don’t find useful to ask or know many things about people. It should be a personal initiative to share things with them. If not, it is their choice. Besides, they know that in case of a problem, they won’t be alone anyway.

My ex-boyfriend was telling me a lot about the people around him. Why? Because of all this information I was asking him before! It is not rare with Russians to get the beginning of a story from someone (health, money problem, marriage) and not to have the end of it, as nobody asks. But if you tell them that for us, it is essential to ask questions in order to know the person better– they would answer and share things freely, with pleasure!

And if it doesn’t work, here's a Russian saying:

“What soberness conceals, Drunkenness reveals.” So you know what you have to do if you want to know what is on someone’s mind. But you’ll have to be a part of it too! So be careful!

* Clothing

I was surprised to see people dressing their kids very warmly, while it is not that cold on the street. While Europeans often consider immunity to be stronger when people don’t have a lot of clothes on, here everyone is always warmly dressed, so that the kids sometimes look like small cosmonauts. But Russians know better what to do in such a climate - so let's trust them!